Mindset

              It hit me as I was video-calling my mom and sobbing: I never gave myself a break.

              Flashback to my junior year, everyone hustling to their classes and signing up for the retched thing we called standardized testing. It’s the year when we’re finally on the first floor, seen as upperclassmen, and starting our college process. I thought I had everything down pat: I signed myself up for two semesters with six-seven classes, ran three separate clubs (participated in an additional one), and registered for volleyball in the fall.

              A mantra repeated itself in my head: if you’re not doing something perfectly at any given moment, you’re not doing enough. Unfortunately, that seems to be the culture of Uni in general. We’re all so high-achieving that we forget to slow down and give ourselves a break. We’re always thinking, “what’s next?” I bet if I walked up to any student in the building and asked how’s their stress level, they’d something like “too high.” I honestly just find the response satirically funny, however, what boggles me is that they don’t realize they’re doing it to themselves.

              I didn’t even realize I was stretching myself thin until my mom went back to China during the fall for her college class reunion and visit my grandparents for two weeks. I was extremely happy for her and urged her to go. I thought it shouldn’t be too hard to do a couple chores directly after volleyball practice and still get my work done. Let me give you a little context, I'm a low-key control freak at home: The dishes must be scrubbed clean, dinner must be served at 6:45 PM (at the latest), and dad mustn’t enter the kitchen (my reason: he always put sugar in every dish he made and didn’t know where most ingredients/spices were). So, I decided to not only attend relatively intense classes, participate in four clubs, and play high school volleyball, but I also decided to cook and clean the house every day. Spoiler alert: I cracked.

              Ten days after following this schedule later, I’m on the phone with my mom trying to give her an update on how’s it going at home. I don’t even remember how I started crying, but I was stressed out of my mind begging my mom to come home quicker. She said something I’ll never forget: “It’s okay to be stressed, but all you need to do is keep doing like you have been and you’ll make it. I’ll be home soon.” My problem was not the schedule or my mom leaving the house. I was trying so hard to do everything by myself.

              I feel that the biggest obstacle you can face is yourself – more specifically, your mental space. Perhaps you, the reader, felt I was doing too much, however, that’s the illusion. I could give you a solid reason why I wanted to continue everything that I was doing.  I realized I needed to reset, to relax; I needed to reorganize my head space as if I were doing my annual spring cleaning. No, this does not mean watching ten straight episodes of my favorite TV show or giving myself a spa day when I have a paper due the next day. This is validating myself as capable when I think the world is conspiring against me. This is understanding that I have a reason for everything I do, and if I don’t, it’s not worth my time. This is my life, and it’s enough.